For most of my life, the thought of children of my own made me run screaming in the opposite direction.  As the youngest in my family, I never babysat, never changed a diaper, and never spent any time “taking care” of anyone but myself (which, actually, was really hard at times.)  When my mom died, quite suddenly, from cancer at age 46, the idea that I would succumb to a premature death lodged in my subconscious. I believed, even if I had children, I would abandon them too early as my own mother had done to me.  It didn’t help that a (more than) fair amount of family dysfunction convinced me I would never be a good partner, much less a good mom.  

A dark night of the soul pushed me into therapy and I thank my lucky stars for the women counselors (Jennifer and Jane, you know who you are) who taught me to stop running away and learn to stay.

In my husband, Doug, I found a partner less ambivalent about kids than I was - he wanted them - but we both agreed two “yeses” were required in order to get pregnant.  So, we waited until the window of fertility closed.  As I approached my 47th birthday, the age I would officially surpass my mom, my ambivalence waned and I began thinking, “What if?” about children.  

In a turn-around no one, even I, could have predicted, Doug and I explored adoption.  When a social worker tried to match us with toddlers, I freaked out.  I decided: babies, no way; but older kids? You bet! 

For the next two years, a failed adoption, followed by a Russian courtroom drama, almost made us give up.  But, perseverance and a Russian woman who predicted, in broken English, “You GET your kids!” made us stay the course.  

Doug and I eventually brought home two phenomenal kids from Russia: Andrei (who was twelve when we adopted him), and his sister Svetlana (who was ten when we adopted her). Eight years later, imagining life without them is impossible.

Before Andrei and Svetlana, I believed the only way to a family of my own was birthing a baby or adopting a baby.   My adoption journey taught me that family can be the people I choose.  I may have lost the family I was born into, but the choices I’ve made to be with Doug, Andrei and Svetlana have filled my heart in the best way possible.